Nawlins.... Finally

The Big Easy. What can even be said...

Well first, the directions the hostel gave us from the bus station to said hostel were terrible. One might even call them wrong. In this case, wrong means telling us to take a left turn instead of a right. This left turn actually sent us down a sidewalk down a freeway that just ends in the middle of it. Thanks guys.

We got to the hostel SWEATING. Like Jesus man, it was the most intense humidity I have ever felt in my life. I took a shower, yeah still sweating in the shower.

This entry blows so far.

The second day in Nawlins, we went and found some damn good food. The south knows how to fuckin' cook. I've got two words for you

DEEP FRIED PICKLES

Take a hint Canada. Deep fry everything and serve it with ranch.

JAMBALAYA

Yes please.

Jesse will eventually get it up on the food blog. He's pretty backlogged, I think he's still at Los Angeles.

So let's get on to the sweet part. Our last night, we met a new friend named "Jeff" from "Australia". Or so he claims. For sake of ease, why don't we call him "Butt Face" from "Ireland". Yeah everyone from Ireland is a Butt Face. I hope you're reading this Steve.

So Jesse. Butt Face and I each had our own 26. We also split a case of LANDSHARK beer and Butt Face and I had tall boy cans for the walk home. The wonderful thing about New Orleans (and most places south and east of Vegas) is that no one gives a fuck if you drink in the streets, as long as it's not in a glass bottle. So we had finished these 26's in some plastic cups we had acquired from a bar on Bourbon earlier that day where we had some Po' Boys. Oh I forgot about Po' Boys... I love you Louisiana. Please be my hot southern wife who deep fries everything. Word? Word.

Highlights of this night include

-someone threatening to kill me, then getting his ass handed to him by some guy I was talking to at the time about how rad Nawlins is
-Butt Face asking a girl in a bikini to if he could eat raw steak from her butthole
-I lost my shirt on top of a hotel sign, so I tore down one of those signs that points you to movie sets labeled, "Mighty" and pointed the arrow towards the ol' Hal Johnson
-I passed out in the bathroom of a strip club
-I passed out in the bathroom of a casino

I'm sure there's more, a LOT more. I think Jesse was fairly well composed this time around, mostly because there was no swimming pool in sight. Besides the one's we were sweating out every day. Oh I should mention we NEVER stopped sweating.

Wyoming, who cares?

-Cam
-

Homeward Bound

And I don't mean that stupid movie with the animals! Well, Cam and I are animals, but you get the point. I'm sitting in a hotel room, just outside of Minneapolis, MN as Cam is making the bathroom his bitch. (If the toilet is broken after this, I'm going to be PISSED) So yeah, we're catching a bus at 8am out of this place. We're going to cross the Canadian border and head west. Where will we end up between here and Vancouver? WHO KNOWS?




And really, who cares?

Change Of Plans

We gotta keep it brief. Our plans changed drastically changed while waiting for the bus at Memphis.

Our alternate plan was... Go through Memphis then St. Louis, then head west through Kansas City, Denver, Salt Lake City, Idaho (NO YOU DA HO), Portland, then to Paolostock and maybe one day home.

FUCK THAT SHIT

At the bus stop we decided that Chicago was a WAY better choice than fucking Utah.

So yeah, I'm in Chicago right now. Fuck you Texas! We're heading out of here tonight for Minnesota then no fucking idea from there. Milwaukee? Birthplace of PBR!

Suck it Trebek

-Cam

Fuck Texas

Seriously. Texas? Balls.

Alright, so we just covered 4 states in 2 days. Here's a bit of a condensed entry.
To start off, they wouldn't issue us tickets for New Orleans coming out of Vegas.
We showed our passes and they just said, "Oh we don't issue tickets for discovery passes here
you can just get on the bus".

Kinda sketchy... We realized that this meant we were NOT guaranteed to get to New Orleans,
especially since our first stop in Flagstaff, was at 2 in the morning.

Arizona

Flagstaff - It was late, it was dark. It looked boring. The guy there STILL wouldn't give
us tickets to New Orleans. He just gave us a baggage ticket which he made us write out by
hand. The west and the south are two VERY different places.


New Mexico

Gallup - I thought it was called Giddy Up for a while. It would have been a fine description anyways.
Burger King for breakfast? Fuck that. More like salt king. King of the buttholes.

Albuqurque - All the buildings are the same colour! This off kind of poopy brown colour.
We're glad we didn't end up staying a day here. You know what there is to do in Albuquerque?
NOTHING

However, we FINALLY got our tickets to New Orleans here, after explaining what had happened before. The guy behind the counter (bless your heart Ryan, Jesse misses you) thought that was the strangest thing he had ever heard and issued our tickets

Tucumcari - You think I have any idea how to pronounce that? Fuck no. We had Subway here.
Yes Bobby, diarrhea town. It was hotter than the devils anus after eating Chipotle, with no
Chipotle-Away.

Texas

Fuck Texas


Louisiana

Shreveport - It was 6AM, we just transferred here. Although, Louisiana is SO much nicer to
look at than Texas. You know what we saw in Texas? NOTHING

Alexandria - I think we ate breakfast here. That might have been in Shreveport though. I
ordered grits, because I had no idea what grits were. You know what they are? Baby vomit.
According to credible sources, grits are amazing with butter and brown sugar or cheese.

Lafayette - I can't even remember what happened here. This is city number...eight or something.
I think I bought some soda here. Yeah you wanted a good entry? Go read Post Secret.

Baton Rouge - Second to last stop. The scenery along the last few cities has been pretty
gorgeous. The basin's and bayous are full of trees that just come out of the middle of the
water. Amazing. Take that Texas, you giant ass.

Interesting things about Louisiana, there's french fuckin EVERYWHERE. I'm not surprised,
but after being in Cali, Arizona and Texas where there's Spanish on everything, it was a
weird thing to see. Made me feel like I was in Canada.

Our bus driver? Yeah he's an alligator. Steering wheel? A SNAKE. ALLIGATOR DRIVING A SNAKE

My mind is blown.

As I was telling Crystal, I plan on eating alligator meat while I'm down here. Not BBQ'd
no no. I'm far too raw as fuck for that. I'm going to eat it LIVE. Literally OFF of an
alligator while I'm wrestling it. Take that nature!

And to Hilary, I WILL be expecting my pie covered in frosting, as soon as we find a good
place to take this monocle picture. Nicole, get jealous.

We are literally on the road to New Orleans as we speak. Finally at the end of our 40 hour
long bus trip. Thanks Vegas, for keeping us an extra day with your enticement of cheap booze,
smokes, food, women, booze and women.

Getting the Fuck Out Of Dodge

So this was it. Our final few hours in the last free state. Jesse was taking an alcohol powered super nap beside me poolside. There are two Aussie's beside me, getting a good head start on a bottle of something. Likely a bottle of pure freedom. Excellent work gentlemen.

We were facing the longest stretch of our trip. 40 hours on a bus from Las Vegas to New Orleans. We're supposed to be in Albuquerque right now, however we got too drunk and booked another night in Vegas. It went something like this...

Jesse - "Hey, we're drunk. Wanna stay another night?"
Cam - "As your attorney, I advise you to book a couple of beds"

And so it was.

And so our adventure continues into the deep south. We were due to arrive in Louisiana at 2PM on Monday. New Orleans is our last real stop on our invasion of America. We were soon going to realize, that our trip was wrapping up. New Orleans holds the only potential for being better than San Francisco. Well, at least to me. Jesse's night last night went something like this...

-Drunk
-playing guitar in the pool, the guitar was full of water
-being convinced by me to go to 7-11 in his underwear to buy beer
-it worked
-playing pool in a toga?
-snakes
-waking up to me handing him a beer at 8:45AM

And now he's asleep. New Orleans allows drinking in public, so I have faith that it can get crazier than SF. I'm hoping Jesse ends up oiled up in a cage dancing with ten men. This is gonna warrant a "gaying off" tag

-Cam

Bat Country

So. Here we are. In the middle of Bat Country. It had become clear to me, that I agreed to travel America with a mad man.

We were amidst the reptiles. Swimming in the pool. There were crazy men shouting at us. He had tattoo's all over him and I couldn't understand a word he said. He told us he had never been to Canada and asked us , "Where the ladies were at". This was proving to be incredibly annoying. I was thinking about throwing limes at him, simply to distract his primitive mind. Jesse had NOT handed me a beer at this moment.

Finally, the man had disappeared. We were alone now. The mescaline was kicking in slowly.

I had realized that I had no idea what I was talking about. Only fear and common sense were holding anyone back from doing anything. It had become clear to me, as we both had less than a hundred dollars left for this trip. We simply didn't care. This was the last free state! Who was to hold us back? The man? Any man? There were two men walking down the Fremont strip today and they said to us as we were drinking beers in the middle of the street, "DAMN! They got dem 211's goin' on! "

I have no sense of what I'm writing now, this post needs to end before the next ice age takes over.

Until we meet again, Bat Country....

Ell AYYYYY!

Okay, no updates for a few days. Suck it Trebek.

LA was pretty tame compared to SF. We had to give our livers a break to be fair. Crystal has the rest of the photographic evidence of our COMPLETE and absolute anal domination of the City by the Bay.

We stayed in West Hollywood (WeHo) while we were in LA. No Bobby, I didn't go to Compton, or Inglewood. No I didn't see Ice Cube or kidnap Bill Murray.

What we did...

Skated Venice Beach.

JESUS FUCKING FUCK FUCK.

Yeah.

Amoeba Music. If you ever wanted any record EVER, they have it. I could have blown the entire cost of the oil spill in the South on music at Amoeba. I found an out of print Mastodon EP that I had no idea even existed. I thought I had all Mastodon up until yesterday. For ten dollars too. Fuck yeah LA.

LA is sprawling. It's wayyyyyy too over the top for some schmuck like me and I wish we could have had a little more time there, but I am happy with what I had.

Bobbs, the LA ditches are GNAR GNAR GNAR. But unfortunately full of water when we were there. Venice Beach though.... Just like THPS 1. Insane.

Jess, you would love LA. Make a week of time to go there, you would be in heaven. Go to Beverly Hills, Hollywood, WeHo and NoHo (North Hollywood). You'll be right at home.

Update on Bat Country to come later. As it stands, Jesse and I bought a 60 of Wiser's Deluxe for $27 from some store on Santa Monica Blvd. yesterday and we are in the process of drinking it poolside in the last free state. We're gonna need a typewriter.

-Cam